When pregnant women were declared ‘vulnerable’ in March 2020, my employer sent me home to begin my maternity leave. Leading up to my due date, my husband and I enjoyed quality time playing ‘Monopoly’, and laughing into the early hours. I will always be thankful for this time.
My final midwifery appointments, I attended alone. None of it seemed real and I felt hopeful. I then noticed maternity services were scaling back and pregnant women were scared.
At 37 weeks and 4 days, I was diagnosed with Obstetric Cholestasis. I attended blood tests, additional monitoring and quickly became consultant led with an induction date for 48 hours time. I understood that my baby and I needed help. But I was denied my love, comfort and support. I was to be alone.
I told myself not to cry as I kissed my husband and entered the ward. I was induced and progressed quickly. I was hyper-stimulated and my son was back to back. The ward was stretched and pain relief didn’t come when I asked. By the time I entered the labour ward, I couldn’t acknowledge my own husband. I had no advocate, I had lost my sense of self. It was a traumatic delivery and I won’t forget the look on my husbands face as his new family were wheeled away and he was shown the door.
I felt terrified for us all. For our health and what may become of me. I attended our postnatal appointments alone with midwives talking to me from across the room. Our breastfeeding journey also came to a traumatic end as I was faced with using formula or re-admittance to hospital. I developed PND and am coming to terms with how my beautiful boy entered the world.